a redundant window in my glass house

orbital - halcyon

2005-05-20T20:53:00.000-04:00

this is so an 'OMG!' moment. okay, so sometime in the fall i had downloaded this song by Orbital, known as Halcyon. and this is a pretty famous trance song. when i first heard it, not only was i stunned by it, but it also felt a lot like deja vu. and OH! so here i am moving music off of cds and BOOM! from one of my old cds out comes halcyon. holy crap :)

the good guys

2005-05-04T17:53:00.000-04:00

why are all the good guys that i'm interested in already taken? damnit!

sleep deprivation

2005-05-03T09:19:00.000-04:00

so i figure i prolly threw my body into shock when i sleep 8 hours, 9 hours, 3.5 hours, 4.5 hours.

coldplay - yellow live

2005-04-25T14:23:00.000-04:00

the first 55 seconds of "Coldplay - Yellow (live)" give me the chills. it's so much like U2 - where the streets have no name...

spicy

2005-04-24T12:22:00.000-04:00

i miss his spicy smell, that reminded me of exotic times in hot countries. an adventure.

a whimper

2005-04-18T00:23:00.000-04:00

oh my fucking crap. i miss you. i want to call you on the phone, i want to hear your voice. gagan i miss you and i don't know why.

cameras, a recent update, etc

2005-04-11T20:15:00.000-04:00

i haven't updated this thing in FOR-EV-ER. crazy.

well, life has been pretty hectic with dynamics, deforms, and materials exam prior to my AWESOME adventures out to st. louis. hopefully i'll blog sometime about st. louis although i suspect that isn't really going to happen (just not in the mood for writing!).

so i tested the Canon A70 camera and i don't think i'm gonna get it. it's pretty big, sort of clunky, and the quality is not as high as i would demand out of my own camera. on the other hand, it does what it needs to do, and that is good i suppose.

i am so fired up about naesc right now. i was really flattered and touched when people came up to me at nationals and told me how awesome of a job i was doing... now that i think about it, the region really has doubled and while i lucked out in terms of who i was talking to, somebody had to do it, and i did it :)

older councils: 1) Virginia Tech 2) Virginia 3) NCSU 4) Pittsburgh
newer councils: 5) Maryland (U) 6) Maryland (G) 7) Duke 8) West Virginia 9) Villanova
pending councils: 10) George Mason

whee :) i think i am going to break the region down in zones (for traveling purposes) and start keeping track of everybody's academic schedules for the upcoming year. i think we can really make this region awesome. and i love what i am doing. i'm so excited!

star gazing

2005-04-01T01:12:00.000-05:00

http://www.livejournal.com/users/fyerewitch/217662.html

i went back out today, just because i was getting so restless and i didn't know what to do anymore. there are too many thoughts in my mind, too many pressures, desires, anxieties. i wanted to get away. i got away. i walked out to the drillfield and liad down on the damp cold mushy earth and just looked up. and it was almost at once where i felt this relief, where everything i did mattered very little in the end, in the entire universe. i was so worried, but then i was calm.

there is this intimacy in my relationship in the sky. sometimes, i want to share it. i want to tell everyone what i really want to happen -- someone take me out into an open field and we spend the entire beautiful night just watching the sky until the sun rises. but if i were to publish that in the open, the guys who think they can woo me will go ahead and do it (i think). then the fantasy/dream becomes tainted. it becomes unperfect. it becomes sullied, and it is like me giving my virginity away. i want that moment to be perfect.

contraceptives

2005-03-29T09:35:00.000-05:00

today in human sexuality we had a very interesting discussion about contraceptive methods and the effectiveness of these methods. we covered oral/injective contraceptives like the birth control pill, depo-p (forgot the rest of the word), the nuva ring, the patch, etc. we also had a demonstration on how to properly put on a condom and a brief overview of the female contraceptive.

i think the education is wonderful, however, i am not for any of this. the concept of using contraceptives for non-medicinal reasons is absurd. why would i want something that would change up what occurrs naturally? to thicken my cervical mucus so egg and sperm do not want to join?

i had a huge entry planned out but after eating some food and discussing briefly some of those issues with tim, the passion has subsided a bit.

i am pro-life. i don't like contraceptives. i can't ever see myself using them.

this entry is beginning to sound sporadic and absurd, which is why it's now on my blogger and not on lj =P

a different approach

2005-03-29T00:54:00.000-05:00

perhaps instead of a set schedule, i should just go about things at my own pace. i want to cut down on my stress levels because i know i'm burning out and we haven't gotten to the crazy ass week yet (next week).

it seems so weird not to plan out my day by the hour though.

damien rice revisited

2005-03-28T22:48:00.000-05:00

i'm listening to damien rice for the first time in a month and i feel nothing. could it be? could it be that i'm over you that i'm walking away from everything that has ever happened and even these little things, like this entire CD, does not affect me like it did?

do i view this as a blessing? perhaps i do.

salads that are less than frigid

2005-03-28T15:35:00.000-05:00

warm salad really sucks. just thought i'd make that psa.

gwen stefani's new music

2005-03-28T15:04:00.000-05:00

i've only heard "What Are You Waiting For", but if the rest of Love, Angel, Music, Baby, is like this, then i must say, fantastic CD.

of course, it means i've been uttering under my breath "take.a.chance.you.stu-pid.ho."

my stomach is shrinking?

2005-03-28T12:16:00.000-05:00

i believe my stomach is shrinking, and i say this because i had two rolls of bread and a small bowl of soup and i was full. FULL.

2005-03-28T01:08:00.000-05:00

timmmah UMD: Musik Krieger: SHE IS ASIAN!?
timmmah UMD: yes
timmmah UMD: wtf did you think
timmmah UMD: her name is ZARRIN
Musik Krieger: LEE
Musik Krieger: HO CHI MIN
Musik Krieger: those are asian names
Musik Krieger: zarrin is wtf i dunno
vt spacemonkey: zarrin isn't asian
timmmah UMD: well
vt spacemonkey: HO CHI MIN is vietnamese
vt spacemonkey: wait, why did he he ask if i was asian?
vt spacemonkey: didn't he see the photo?
timmmah UMD: your name is partly farsi?
timmmah UMD: i think?
vt spacemonkey: my name is fari
vt spacemonkey: ^farsi
vt spacemonkey: it means "shimmers like gold"
timmmah UMD: yes that was it
timmmah UMD: he just saw the photo
vt spacemonkey: wait, why was he asking if i was asian? didn't he see the photo
vt spacemonkey: i LOOK asian!
timmmah UMD: but he didn't know you were!
timmmah UMD: before

end the hiatus

2005-03-27T11:07:00.000-05:00

i haven't updated in here recently, primarily due to workloads but also just the inundation of a lot of private thoughts that have been running through my head. somedays, i'm not sure how i'm going to work out everything. it just keeps climbing up higher and then crashes to the ground...

but yeah. one by one, everything will work itself out. i have faith and sometimes that is the only thing that keeps me going through this relentless journey.

funny away messages

2005-03-18T05:16:00.000-05:00

an announcement for all those ladies: my hot HOT friend tim from maryland is visiting next week ;)

NEVERMIND! i got dibs on him first. after i'm done with him, you ladies can take what's left... :-*

random memory of chapstick

2005-03-14T00:23:00.000-05:00

so i just recently misplaced my chapstick and i'm not too happy about that. while washing my face in the bathroom and thinking about this dire predictament, a sudden memory just popped into my head. chris and i were in the metro station waiting for our next train. my lips were smeared with lip balm and i was being silly and a goof and grinning at chris. he knew what was coming and refused to let me kiss him. me being so small and him being so tall, i had to jump. eventually he relented, and that is the only time, i swear, this boy has ever put on chapstick or lipbalm, and because of the actions of his silly, but well intended girlfriend.

i'm such a liar

2005-03-13T20:02:00.000-05:00

yeah, so, i sort of did miss talking to him, at least, the casual friendly talk where he isn't all paranoid that i have some huge affection for him which isn't true. but i have to admit i was a bit upset at first that he acted like nothing had changed, but what could he have done?

now let's make sure i don't sucker myself back into this huge mess.

grrr grades this semester

2005-03-06T20:48:00.000-05:00

i can't stand this anymore... one abysmal grade after the other and i'm not even sure what the hell is going on. i know kinematics, i know i know it. and yet, i keep fucking up on all these stupid things. my averages this semester are going to be crap.

2005-03-03T22:08:00.000-05:00

Me: and last meeting? what did you mean?
luther: our last online meeting
Me: why?
Luther: close to conference
Luther: i will be focusing a lot on that
Me: ahhh

i have a lot of difficulty in believing that he'll be spending SO MUCH time on conference. on the other hand, it means no more meetings. rock on!

music for study

2005-03-03T08:14:00.000-05:00

i am finding ben folds EXTREMELY good study music...

internship status

2005-03-02T17:18:00.000-05:00

honeywell just called me inquiring for a phone interview; national instruments turned me down yesterday night. i'm very happy.

fish house moving

2005-03-02T15:04:00.000-05:00

finally just decided to stick picabo in another tank. found the old kimchi jar with the broken lid (thank god i held onto that), stuck the bubbler tubing through the top, and filled it up with water and tossed in some stones. now i don't have to worry too much about helia getting her ass kicked and while she is acting quite strangely at the moment, lying on her side and flopping around. i imagine things will look better.

i'm so tired of this...

2005-03-01T23:49:00.000-05:00

i just want this week to be over. dynamics, then materials. i wanna be done by thursday so i can go out and have fun before i go home. just wanna be done. just wanna be done. i'm not even sure if thursday is happening now.

i'm mightily amused

2005-02-28T21:40:00.000-05:00

will: well i'm leaving now the losers can stay here
me: yeah, i'm gonna stay in and study sex while you go ahead and tackle boys in the snow.

i love my high school friends

2005-02-24T20:04:00.000-05:00

there's really only three people from high school that i bother keeping up with or i give a damn about:

preston: this guy and i have gone through a lot, and in the last two years of high school, we were very very close. people speculate on us getting married, which could never happen, but i love him dearly.
gina: my best friend since the first day i walked into high school. the sweetest, most gentle of all persons you will ever meet. if she's not the godmother of my children, she'll be a godauntie.
owen: i had a crush on owen from the end of sophomore year to the beginning of junior year. we were best friends at one point, grew apart, but we're still very close.

i don't think i realized how much their support meant to be until owen and i started talking this evening:

Me: but you have to sort of have a certain personality to live in engineering
Owen: yeah
Owen: I thinkyou have that personality
Me: and i guess looking back at it all, i'm surprised i'm still in engineering
Me: why thanks
Me: if someone told me at 10 or 15 that i was going to be an aero engineer, i wouldn't have relaly believed it
Me: i think the big kicker came when yesterday, i called up a small aerospace company in las vegas and asked them if they had any summer internship opportunitites
Me: they said they didn't know but to email my resume, so i sat down, wrote them a cover letter, tailored my resume, and emailed it to the woman i spoke with
Me: it wouldn't have been such a big deal except for the fact that the company in question was bigelow aerospace
Me: that name might mean very little to you (and i wouldn't be surprised), but i read about them in space news and you know what they're doing? they're working on commercial inflatable space modules. for colonization of moons and planets
Owen: sweet
Me: that's when it really hit, to be honest
Me: cos this is stuff i could be doing
Owen: I'm sure you have the potential to do some really awesome/great things
Owen: and that is exciting
Me: yeah. i love my major, i could use a little more love from the industry
Me: cos if i go with a job like that, there's a very good cahnce i am not going to be making a lot of money at all
Owen: but in the end what is money if you are advancing humanity and playing with rockets
Me: yeah
Me: big risk, big gain

2005-02-24T19:26:00.000-05:00

I WILL SURVIVE.

this cold is not taking me down. i have no reasons for complaining, there are people worse off than me.

ugh career fairs

2005-02-23T13:04:00.000-05:00

my feet are fucking dead. i'm not sure how i can get through the rest of the night and for the next two days in heels. i just absolutely cannot stand this. i think i am going to wear sandals or something for the most part because my shoes. are. killing. me. it feels a lot like stepping on glass.

got through my swales interview today, hope it went well.

connection2005

2005-02-22T20:22:00.000-05:00

last year i was trying to get an internship with Swales Aerospace and the guy
there was really impressed with my resume but never got back to me. I ended up
following up and giving him a call and whatnot, but I also never got a final
answer.

Today i went to the career fair and lo and behold, it's Swales again, same guy
as well. I walk up to him, tell him I think i spoke with him last year, and he
tells me he remembers me very well, apologizes for not hiring me (they weren't
hiring, apparently), and before i can say anything else, tells me he wants to
interview me tomorrow. he also said (and again, taking this with a grain of
salt after remembering last year, but hey, maybe he isn't kidding) that i had
the most impressive resume he had seen so far and was very very happy with
what i had to offer.

i'm also really happy with myself because i did things this year i had never done before. people don't realize the importance of career fairs. it is almost incredible how much i've gained by just attending these career fairs, honestly. today i went ahead and spoke to honeywell, primarily because i knew i could bring up my research (which does use a honeywell product). he looked at my nametag, saw "sophomore" and told me that honeywell usually hires juniors. hah, great, instead of turning away (perhaps i was encouraged by my stand-in-line conversation with the senior behind me), i spent the next 15 minutes selling myself and telling him why he ought to hire me (instead of a junior) despite the fact that i was a sophomore. i was very satisfied when he told me he was very impressed with my motivation and drive and he was very pleased with me.

some random updates

2005-02-21T16:30:00.000-05:00

my mother thinks will is in love with me, and i just got an interview on friday with national instruments. boo yah!

and now that i think about it, the on campus interviewing thing really helped. cos that's how they got my cell.

stupid human sexuality paper

2005-02-21T07:06:00.000-05:00

well, this is turning out to be harder than i originally envisioned. i haven't written general papers in such a long time that this is really odd. it's easier to write in first person and in a blog-like thing rather than third person singular. but then again, i am writing in a big rush and i don't think well under pressure, especially when i'm bent out of shape.

i'll probably spend another two hours revising this tonight. which is fine. i have enough gibberish that i can work with it. i just feel like my thoughts are running all over the place. i really need to begin to outline papers first and then move from there, since i am having trouble again.

i hope she doesn't grade too hard on these papers, since i know this isn't my finest work or analysis.

why swimming is so good

2005-02-20T22:55:00.000-05:00

why swimming is so good:

when i plunge into the cold water, i feel a certain relief wash over me. it is my worry and i know if i were to turn behind me, i'd see that worry dissipating between the bubbles. i find myself calm and relaxed as the water's stony silence welcomes me. it keeps me trapped but gives me the freedom that i have been craving. life becomes more precious. i count away the strokes i have completed. one. two. three. four. breathe. i can't let the water kill me. i can't let myself drown. i must keep swimming i must keep fighting to stay afloat, to conquer this water. in this process, i learn to forget my trials and tribulations. i learn to admit that i am small, that this stuff should be no worry. i learn to appreciate myself.

interesting...

2005-02-20T22:45:00.000-05:00

i just noticed that my private livejournal with hidden thoughts... if someone were to read it (assuming i friended them), they would see entries predominately about person X. but then when i read it, because i've hidden a few entries, they would see that right now i'm dealing a lot with person Y. very interesting...

lyrics away messages

2005-02-20T10:37:00.000-05:00

so i've been listening to shakira - laundry service [cd] and i am liking it lots and lots. aside from the fact that she is an incredible lyricist, some of her lyrics are very catchy. i like to post them on my away message because i am prolly singing along with them.

for example, shakira - laundry service - 07 - fool:

But I can't help it if I'm just a fool
Always having my heart set on you
Till the time you start changing the rules
I'll keep chasing the soles of your shoes

see, these are awesome lyrics. at least, i think so. but the problem is it talks about love and therefore, it is open to interpretation. exactly who are these devoted to? i can think of four people who quite possibly (but i could be very wrong) might take these the wrong way. and it really irks me. why can't i post lyrics without some double meaning? but then again, late in night sometimes i do have lyrics (usually from joseph arthur - honey and the moon or coldplay - the scientist) that are directed towards a certain person, but if you knew me and the whole fiasco of last year and the summer, you would know who they're devoted to.

i think this is what had sort of messed things up last week -- i must've posted some lyrics of some sort, and derek took them the wrong way. i don't remember showing "more-than-friend" affection for him, and i certainly don't remember saying anything that would demonstrate that. but apparently i did, and the only thing i can think of are the lyrics. i wish i had a better memory than this, it is a bit frustrating when i can't remember my own actions.

for someone who tells me i could stop misinterpreting boys' actions, he should learn from himself.

linguistics

2005-02-19T11:49:00.000-05:00

growing up, i had a lot of varied interests and it was pretty hard to choose a major to study. eventually, i chose aerospace engineering, which is what i'm doing.

here were some of the majors i was considering (in high school. you can add herbology and geneticism in the mix if we were counting middle school):
- civil engineering
- computer engineering
- mechanical engineering
- architecture
- law
- medicine

and of course, my all-time favourite... linguistics.

yes, i was considering a linguistics major. although i speak one language fluently, i had spent 5 years studying latin, could speak a bit of mandarin chinese, and was obsessed with german, i still wanted to learn more.

and that is still my goal, to become fluent in english, german, chinese, farsi, spanish, and possibly russian. granted, german and spanish are a bit easier for me to learn since i can look at stuff online and not have to download a special viewer or anything. it's a very ambitious goal, but something i still aim for.

so over the years i have picked up a few words here and there from each language. i took a german class my freshman year here. i grew up in a farsi community. my brothers and my name are all persian names... Zarrin, Adib, Navid.

music is such a powerful thing. when i listen to something like shakira, i want to learn spanish. i want to hear and understand the music in her native tongue. she's a powerful singer, but her voice is really meant to speak spanish rather than english.

mighty oak.

2005-02-19T03:35:00.000-05:00

isn't that funny? i was just thinking about you tonight and it occurred to me how long since i last saw you. yeah, i know, it's been forever. i miss you too, you know. you should come and visit! it'll be great.

oh, okey... yeah, i understand. well... one of these days, i suppose.

And right now, I wish I could follow you

joseph arthur - honey and the moon

2005-02-16T23:27:00.000-05:00

i love this song:

Don't know why I'm still afraid.
If you weren't real I would make you up now.
I wish that I could follow through.
I know that your love is true and deep as the sea.

But right now, everything you want is wrong.
And right now, all you dreams are waking up.
And right now, I wish I could follow you
To the shores of freedom
Where no one lives.

Remember when we first met
And everything was still a bet in love's game
You would call, I'd call you back
And then I'd leave a message on your answering machine

But right now, everything is turning blue.
And right now, the sun is trying to kill the moon.
And right now, I wish I could follow you
To the shores of freedom
Where no one lives.

Freedom. Run away tonight.
Freedom. Run away. Run away tonight.

humourous :)

2005-02-15T00:35:00.000-05:00

Me: stupid tetosterone
Mark : nah
Mark : testosterone is good
Mark : who had to pull the pin for you tonight...huh?
Mark : a big strong boy
Mark : that's right
Mark : testosterone

helpless

2005-02-14T11:46:00.000-05:00

i don't even know what to do, what to say, what to feel. i want to cry, but it's not worth crying over, and what would i be crying for?

it's funny... i pretty much fail a deforms exam and i'm okay with it; i blank out in the middle of a performance test and i feel like my life is over.

i just feel very helpless at the moment. i know all this stuff, i know i do, but i keep screwing up when it comes to exam time.

valentines!

2005-02-14T00:11:00.000-05:00

this made me laugh :

Me: no, i just sent him that, that's all :)
Tim: so that way you can be my honorary hokie valentine, right?
Me: SURE! :)
Tim: i can be your honorary terp valentine!

quote of the night

2005-02-13T23:51:00.000-05:00

thought about posting it in my lj, but too many people read that and i figured i'd keep it to a lowscale dealo:

"n simplest terms, i think you are over assertive and arrogant to a dangerous extreme"

i'm pissed, but it isn't because of this comment.

random thoughts

2005-02-13T19:02:00.000-05:00

went flying today, that was fun. still worried about this semester, but i'm taking it one step at a time.

today there was an odd guy that showed up at the flying field. he came over and asked us if we were from Tech, to which i said, "yes". he proceeded to alternate his time between us and the AVT (autonomous vehicle team). will and belle said the creepy guy was checking me out the entire time, and when i answered his question the first time, he had eye-balled my chest. i really, for the life of me, did not notice a single thing, and in some ways i'm kind of glad about this. i was too busy paying attention to the airplanes flying (good thing), and second of all, i'm trying to cut back on the instinct that every guy is trying to get into bed with me (good for cutting back!). i thought about it some more and realized the sequence of events that belle and will were describing (that the creepy guy would move around so he could stand next to me and eye me up and down) could just be a coincidence and this poor guy was being labeled. i brought that up, they took it under consideration, and what do you know! the guy stops hanging around us and actually leaves.

naesc nice compliment :)

2005-02-11T22:19:00.000-05:00

Are you running for a national position? I will do everything I can to help you. You're great.

I can't remember if you're a senior...

Thanks for the link.

On Fri, 11 Feb 2005 16:54:32 -0500, Zarrin Chua wrote:

> Nick –

> Sorry to email you again, but I found something on our own regional
> webpage that I didn't know we had. We do have a page of wiki's (eweek)
> that has been saved on our own domain. I recall you telling me that we
> might lose all entries in the wikis, but I don't remember if that was
> just an assumption I made or something you really did tell me =)

> It's located here: http://www.naesc.org/north-atlantic/events.php

> Again, sorry to bother you once more, I can only imagine how busy you
> are, but I thought this might be helpful.

> Zarrin

Well, that was really nice of him :)

Nick --

I'm flattered and I appreciate the sentiments, but no, I am not running for a national position. I think I can do more for NAESC at the regional level, which is why I'm staying NA's VPO for the 2nd year in a row =)

I'm a sophomore right now and I'll be graduating in two years. What about you?

Zarrin

something i noticed.

2005-02-10T18:49:00.000-05:00

when my parents called and i began my rant about how i bombed an exam and all sorts of other things that were going wrong with my life, i did not cry.

maybe i am just too tired or i have finally learned how to gather my emotions together.

small bit of luck

2005-02-10T17:51:00.000-05:00

two pairs of tweezers and a few minutes got me a free drink from the soda machine :) a dollar was jammed in there and as i tried to put mine in, i noticed what happened and went ahead and nicked it out.

wish i had that kind of luck on my deforms test.

stupid people in human sexuality

2005-02-10T09:25:00.000-05:00

the stupidity of some people in my human sexuality class, namely, one person (who shall henceforth be reffered to as "stupidetta") amazes me.

stupidetta happens to be indian just like our instructor. it seems that because of this cultural similiarity, stupidetta feels that she can speak out of turn, dominate discussions, and basically act liek the authoritative source on alternate cultural opinions on human sexuality.

some of the comments she made today:

"maybe stereotypes are just a frame, so that way we can have some sort of shell that we can grow into. if it weren't for stereotypes we'd have to try everything and experiment and we wouldn't know who we were until we were like, 90! and that's not going to work. i think we'd be more confused as to who we were [gender-wise] if we didn't have stereotypes"

"nobody wants to marry someone who's a high school drop out or doesn't have a college education"

GAH!

operational methods

2005-02-10T07:17:00.000-05:00

worst book ever.
worst professor ever.

operational methods is making me hate math with a severe passion.

i'm so frustrated i could cry, aside from the fact that i am exhausted.

again, another shitty day

2005-02-10T05:14:00.000-05:00

two more sections of operational methods to do, not to mention homework as well. 6 hours to go until test time, including one class i'm going to attend, but prolly be working on hw at the same time.

running on 4 hours of sleep. this day is just terrible. i really can't wait until it's all over. i'm exhausted. and i'm still feeling sick.

WHAT A BAD DAY

2005-02-09T16:31:00.000-05:00

MY FUCKING LAPTOP HAS DECIDED TO KILL THE SOUND ON MY COMPUTER, I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK HAS JUST HAPPENED.

deformables

2005-02-09T15:44:00.000-05:00

okey, so i have two hours til i technically should be done studying. not so bad, right? aside from the fact that i am scared shitless about my exam and i am worried that i am not going to be able to perform decently, that is.

yes, the panicking is starting to begin. time to get a soda and time to sit down and just work things through.

at least with dynamics it was on a friday so i could feel falsely prepared... i don't even feel anything right now.

next year's place

2005-02-09T13:24:00.000-05:00

building 4, # 856

ughhhh... terrible.

2005-02-09T05:24:00.000-05:00

exam tonight at 7 PM, Deforms.
exam tomorrow at 11 AM, Operational Methods
exam due Friday morning at 10 AM, Materials.

And I am catching something. i can feel it. this explains the increase of food intake -- my body was subconsciously getting prepared for the onslaught of flu-like germs.

my nose is stuffed and my throat is irritated. and i am in the middle of three exams.

i know what it is. i know it is the stress, the workload, the frustrations. i know it is because i go to bed pissed and i wake up still pissed. i know why this cold happened.

i'm hoping i can finish up op methods early tonight and get to bed soon. op methods is open book, open notes anyway. and hopefully, i will finish materials and aircraft performance in a reasonable amount of time and get to bed early as well.

i am on my way to becoming a superstar

2005-02-08T20:10:00.000-05:00

squatted 200 today! (i'm right now something like 126-130 lbs)
benched 50 today!

YAY!

haha man i just realized the irony of it

2005-02-08T18:24:00.000-05:00

Person A likes Person B. and has, for a very long time.
Person A can't seem to get over Person B.
now introduce Person C.
Person C likes Person A who likes Person B.
Person C is using Person B to get over Person A.
Person C does not like Person B.

love me so that i may love thee

2005-02-08T14:22:00.000-05:00

i think i am in the romantic mood. i'm not sure.

aside from raging hormones on both sides of the coin, aside from all calamity filled drama in this short life of mine, i am doing fine.

i am also pissed as hell though, and i need to slowly release my anger.

so i decided the best course of action is just not to date ANYBODY. seriously. i'm aiming for, til i graduate. single til then. there was nobody in particular that i broke up wtih chris for.

music to download

2005-02-04T15:38:00.000-05:00

music nicked from the "Chillout" station on DigitallyImported.com
Asura - Requiem from Nowhere
Rapid Eye - Circa Forever (Chillseeking remix)

music nicked from the "vocal trance" station on DigitallyImported.com
Ridgewalkers Feat. El - Find (Andy Moor Remix)

music nicked from "trance" station on DigitallyImported.com
Yahel And Eyal Barkan - voyage (original)

random music:
Bach E Froberger - Pablo Lentini Riva Guitar - 05 - J S Bach Menuet I Et Ii Dalla Suite Bw
Ensemble Fete Rustique - A Vivaldi

lactard

2005-02-04T14:44:00.000-05:00

damnit, too much lactose in one sitting. and just a few hours before the exam. well, i think i'm okey now.

i am exhausted

2005-02-04T07:41:00.000-05:00

i am almost done with this week. almost, almost done. i have yet to study for the dynamics test that i have tonight at 7:00 PM, but i am going to spend all evening on it and hopefully knock out some good time on it. i'll be back in my room and working roughly around 12, maybe 1 at latest. so i can get in at least 5 hours of studying on it, which is usually enough for a test, i think. i'll just have to make sure i have everything down.

i will not let this week beat me. i am weakening, and i can feel it. the two nights of 4-5 hours of sleep is catching up to me. last night i made myself get about 5.5 hours. i would like to take a nap this afternoon, but i'm not sure how likely that is going to happen, considering i haven't been able to study last night for dynamics.

this has got to be by far one of the most stressful weeks ever. i think i handled it pretty well though, considering all the crap that was going on.

human sexuality

2005-02-03T09:23:00.000-05:00

i'm not even sure where to begin... my human sexuality class is by far the most enjoyable class i have ever taken here at virginia tech. i highly recommend it to everyone. not only is it really educational, it's presented in a manner that's worth getting up at 8 am for. but then, who doesn't like talking about sex?

aerospace but not aerospace?

2005-02-03T06:23:00.000-05:00

i am noticing that a lot of the older professors and faculty in the aerospace dept here did not actually major in aerospace engineering...

inspirational away message

2005-02-03T05:25:00.000-05:00

i had a rather depressing away message last night until i decided to change it to something more assertive:

i don't care how bad/busy this week has been.

i will win, i will get everything done, i will have kept my promises, and i will have kept my new year's resolution to work out every other day :-P

and above all, i will not panic.

technical writing

2005-02-02T22:53:00.000-05:00

my writing is getting better, one thread at a time, but i still have such a ways to go. i need to practice more, and i imagine i'll probably write small papers here and there and then revise them throughout the semester. there are so many things i need to do and want to do, i only wish i had the time and energy to get it all done.

i have been thinking about this briefly in the last two days, but i think i will aim for my phd and spend part of my career teaching. that being said, it might be to my advantage to do the 5 years bachelors-masters program and then get my phd elsewhere... since that would be super quick.

proposal writing

2005-02-02T19:22:00.000-05:00

i went ahead and rewrote the damnned proposal, again going into more detail where necessary. i'm a bit worried, because it's pretty much the same length, but this time it has the proper explanations to things. *whew*

anyway, i have another half hour allotted, so i'm a little bit ahead of schedule and so i'm gonna go ahead and finish up writing all this stuff down and crap.

today just really fucking sucks

2005-02-02T06:41:00.000-05:00

been up since 4:30 and i doubt i'm getting much rest in the next two days.

checklist

2005-02-01T23:19:00.000-05:00

1. write my quarterly updates
~~2. pick up transcripts (all hugey monkey 7 of them, *sigh*)~~
~~3. pick up teacher recommendations~~
4. get dr. walters or equivalent to sign
5. professor's signatures
6. my signature
7. fill in budget numbers
8. print out 7 copies of everything
~~9. change that one line on my resume.~~
10. fill out the actual application... hehehe.
11. edit proposal AGAIN

2005-02-01T22:32:00.000-05:00

this is my new email backwards:

com dot gmail (at) chua dot zarrin

2005-01-31T23:09:00.000-05:00

away message:

"fuck.

this wasn't supposed to happen.

go to the gym to release... everything. wishing it wasn't so cold so i could pound against the pavement and/or wishing for a punching bag."

i was mad, so i went to the gym. this is so not allowed.

before sunset

2005-01-31T11:57:00.000-05:00

i finally got the opportunity to watch this fantastic film over break. i never sat down and wrote about it afterwards though (from what i remember), so i'm going to do it now (considering i just watched the trailer again).

i love this film. it's really made me sit down and think (it's pretty much all dialogue, and it runs on real time, and you need to be ridiculously patient for it), but it leaves me with so much hope. i found the background music for the trailer (Ivy - Edge of the Ocean) and i'm listening to it, just really very happy.

see, these things could happen. i have two years til graduation, then after that, i don't know what is ahead of me in life. i could. i could. we could be.

i need to watch before sunrise and determine whether it's worth buying both.

animalistic behaviour

2005-01-31T11:49:00.000-05:00

i discovered a very important key factor this past weekend. allow me to relate an incident:

derek and i were sitting on his bed watching American Beauty when he began to randomly poke me. on one of these pokes, he moved and automatically, i reached for his throat, specifically, the glands, so i could push upwards and in. not really stranglation, just looking for a pressure point. so here we were at a standstill. his finger half a centimeter away from my ribs, and my fingers on his glands, arched and ready to strike.

the awkward silence passed and i apologize for over reacting, wherein (i forgot how it went exactly), he asked me, "did you work out today?"

me: uhh... no *blush*
him: see? you need to work out! get the energy out.

it makes sense, what he said. yesterday i didn't work out and i was ready to bite somebody's head off last night. this morning i woke up still grumpy, rolled out of bed and went to class. in my second class of the day, aircraft performance, we didn't cover very much, just went on random tangents, so like everybody else, i was daydreaming. except i was imagining what it would be like ot have retractable claws while feeling the adrenaline spike every 10 or 20 minutes (literally, like a light switch and my mood changes, eyes narrow). and i envisioned cat-like claws coming out of my fingertips, lunging for the head of the guy in front of me, tackling him to the ground, and biting his head. yeah. soooo...

i'm definitely going to the gym tonight, no question about that. and my workouts have been intense enough that i'm ready to pass out right after i'm done, i'm just so tired. as of late, i just feel very ferocious.

coldplay - parachutes

2005-01-31T07:42:00.000-05:00

i have really been digging coldplay lately. i have yet to find a coldplay song i flat out didn't like.

man, it's monday

2005-01-31T07:15:00.000-05:00

i woke up and my head was spinning slightly. i feel like something is different, something has changed. and i also wonder if my brain tries to create drama. it's like i feed off of my own struggles and tribulations.

man, my head hurts

2005-01-29T10:12:00.000-05:00

to be honest, i'm not even sure what to make of it. i think the dynamics changed a lot, yesterday. i found out a lot of things that i didn't know before, and in some ways, that was really good. nothing bad happened, and i'm glad about that. i think i need to sit back and think about things for a little bit, i haven't gotten enough sleep and i'm trying to process this new information that was just given to me.

hmm. as cliche as it sounds, i think my friendship with someone just changed, maybe not up to "a new level" since that implies stuff that isn't in this case. maybe we moved up and a little bit to the right.

a promise

2005-01-29T02:02:00.000-05:00

over winter break i made a promise to myself that i wouldn't be digging up issues, that i wouldn't bring up shit just because i wanted an answer. for the first time in my life, i would try my hardest to be patient, and i would put things in a box and hide it away in my mind. i'm still keeping that promise and i guess you could say i'm getting better at pushing things away. it's a bit scary, because i used to be so affected by these thigns, but now i'm not? i'm afraid of trying to see if i'm affected because i don't know if that will just mess me up even more, but maybe this is hte first sign of really moving on.

crazy shit, i tell you.

right now, i just miss having a warm body next to me. i really wish i could crawl up in someone's bed. i don't care, use me for a body pillow, i'll use you right back, but it would be awfully nice.

proud, in a small way

2005-01-27T07:39:00.000-05:00

even though it was a bitch to get up so early in the morning (5:30 -- actual work time at 6), i feel proud that i sat down and got my deformables hw done, despite it not being due, and getting almost everything right.

now, what went wrong with that axial strain...

shouldn't bitch, but i'm going to, because it's a good motivational bitch

2005-01-26T23:23:00.000-05:00

I AM FUCKING 0.02 AWAY FROM TBP'S REQUIRED QCA.

i am tired of this shit, of not being part of the elite where i think i belong. i don't care how much time it takes, i gotta buckle down and get my stuff done.

*think of the whole picture*

2005-01-26T13:09:00.000-05:00

glorious sleep. after not sleeping an entire night, i am SO glad to have taken a nap and fallen asleep almost immediately.

2005-01-25T18:43:00.000-05:00

my blood giving went fine and no passing out yet. but the stupid old nurse definitely pricked my finger really hard, and left a bruise. you know, that short one for the iron test. i can't really type right now, it hurts.

straddling the line -----

2005-01-23T16:10:00.000-05:00

well, unfortunately, some things dont' always last.

ventilation

2005-01-22T13:05:00.000-05:00

maybe i can get some proper ventilation in this room. I've stuck my small fan up against my window and put it on low, cold air is blowing into the room, thus making the temperature a little bit easier on me when i sleep, and also getting some good clean air as well.

androgynous peoples

2005-01-22T09:04:00.000-05:00

so another thing i have discovered about myself: i am attracted to androgynous peoples. and i am not talking about she-males, but people whose gender i can't even begin to figure out. it's hard to explain, but simply, i'm not attracted to "butch" females, but just people who are either a) femine male, or b) simple and plain female.

Me: my human sexuality class is gonna be even more interesting now
Me: there's this person in there who's really hot
Gagan: lol
Me: i think it's a girl?
Gagan: u think?
Me: i think
Me: i can't tell
Gagan: how can you not tell?!

it was very strange. i was thinking about what gagan had said the other day ("is there a lab for human sexuality?") while glancing around the room. there were a whole bunch of sorority girls in there, yeah, some were attractive but nobody was really outstanding. they all sort of looked alike, actually. then, boom, i see this person (who i'm going to refer to as a "she" for the time being), and it's like everything stops. it was a weird weird moment, because at that time, a lightbulb went up over my head, the world stop turning, i felt like a hundred doors just opened up at once. and instantly, my brain said, that's the one. there was something unique in her features and when i looked at her, it just resonated beauty. not hot like britney spears-esque hot, but a totally different level of beauty. it resonated within me, and i found myself drawn to this person, wanting to know about them, wanting to be with them, thinking what it would be like to touch lips. she walked back to her seat, in the back of the room, and i kept stealing glances at her. it was quite distracting. but i just really couldn't keep my eyes off of her.

damnit

2005-01-21T06:55:00.000-05:00

i'm still irritated. and on top of that, i really don't want to work on my dynamics hw.

i didn't really notice the clock too much

2005-01-20T21:00:00.000-05:00

but WOAH!!!! it's only 9 pm! awesomeness. i have two hours before bedtime.

this is a little weird, because i'm flat out exhausted at this point. my eyelids are gonna fall off.

the gym downstairs

2005-01-20T19:15:00.000-05:00

i love living here. it's so convenient, with the gym on the first floor. rocking, baby! :) it'll be kind of hard next year during the wintertime, with no gym at easy access. i may have to work out right after class, then take a bus home immediately.

anyway, here's what i did (for me):

stretch.
on bike for ~ 10 minutes
bench press: 10 of 30, 8 of 40, 10 of 30
bicept curl: 10 of 20, 8 of 30, 10 of 20
abs: 25 crunches, 15 side crunches (30 total), 15 jackknives, and then 100 laterals.
stretch for a cool down.

lots of thoughts

2005-01-20T09:43:00.000-05:00

there are lots of thoughts running through my head, but i don't really know if this is the best place to have an active, one-sided discussion about it, or to sit down and let those thoughts wander for a little more before actually settling.

i think i'm kind of upset about something, but i know my upsetness will go away in a few days. i also don't really want to talk about what i'm upset about.

this semester is going to be a bitch. there are so many hard classes :(

clippit 1

2005-01-18T21:36:00.000-05:00

"stone age people may have been unaware of the male's contribution to reproduction"

pg 11.

spring, already?

2005-01-18T09:20:00.000-05:00

maybe i'm just being a bum, but i am actually very disappointed to hear that derek is graduating this spring.

good morning!

2005-01-12T08:02:00.000-05:00

today is the last day of work. i am really excited, particularly since the ladies at work are taking me out for lunch today. they told me they will really miss me, because i'm fun and i work hard. in fact, i have an official title now -- "file clerk". we laughed and i explained to them that last night, when updating my resume, i had an immensely difficult time trying to describe what i do here. eventually (and i'm so proud of coming up with this) i settled with:

"archived and maintained a decade of confidential personnel documents" or something to that effect.

first birthday gift

2005-01-11T17:33:00.001-05:00

man, what an awesome surprise. kind of ironic how two weeks after i comment on someone getting flowers for their birthday, i find my godfather and a close family friend in the front lobby with flowers and a giftbag in hand, to honor my 20th birthday (next wednesday). i hugged them both repeatedly with a large large smile, and felt very happy indeed :)

first birthday gift

2005-01-11T17:33:00.000-05:00

things seem to be looking upward

2005-01-11T13:56:00.000-05:00

i talked to my mom yesterday and sort of explained a lot of things to her. she didnt' laugh at me, she didn' call me naive, but instead she sat, listened, and gave me advice. i feel a lot better now and a lot stronger at that.

aircraft performance

2005-01-10T20:15:00.000-05:00

SWEEET.

the majority of my friends in the aerospace department are all in marchman's section of aircraft performance. let's hear it for the dbf boys and the number of times i'll be dd'ing them home :)

ROO

2005-01-10T13:58:00.000-05:00

the grant application is due february 7th. it's the 10th now. i have a little bit less than 30 days to fill out this application.

time to start reading... =/

internships

2005-01-10T13:40:00.000-05:00

i started exercising again. first time in a week. it felt good, in some ways. but i need to keep up with it.

things i need to do:
- research internships
- work on VSC grant
- work on lab presentation
- read magnetometer articles

*SIGHHHHH*

i dream of comas

2005-01-10T13:22:00.000-05:00

last night i dreamed i fell into a coma for three or four days. during that time, someone married me. i can't exactly think of who it was that did that, but needless to say, i was extremely pissed when i got out of my coma to find out i was married to the boyfriend at that time, who i wasn't really quite planning on marrying.

in my dream, i went over to a friend's house to watch a movie and talk, and one of the persons there was a man i was highly attracted to. i was intending on spending the night at this house (who happened to be my crush's house) and then i thought to myself, "i would like to spend the night falling asleep against him, in his bed". but then i realized what had happened the week prior to that. spitting out the dreaded words, "i have a husband", i resigned to sleep on the carpetted floor of his basement, as my beautiful hispanic crush walked upstairs and slept alone.

i woke up frustrated, tired, and really despising marriage. i've wanted to get married for the longest time because it always seemed romantic and sweet, just like all of the movies. but recently, it has seemed like a cage of confinement, where my little birdie soul cannot fly and i am bound by God's laws to stay faithful to a husband, even if i do not love him. recently, i have felt that way about children as well. i do not want them. i am petrified of parenthood. there are so many problems with kids these days (despite all the good children). what if i make the wrong decision?

my personality

2005-01-09T20:24:00.000-05:00

typically, i am not one who's up for giving out random information, unless i can't really keep it in. i talked about this with my mum yesterday and she had the same problem when my dad and her first got married. she would ask questions and basically be nosy (i see where i get it from) and prompt my dad and talk to him alll the time. that was her way of showing care. but my dad is not like that at all, he's very content with never asking questions. his reasoning was, "well if you wanted me ot know, you'd tell me" whereas to my mother, it hurt a lot because to her it seemed like my dad didn't care and didnt' want to know every single thing about her.

eventually their conversations just sort of died. she said that she would stop asking him questions, to restrain herself because it'd upset her that my dad was never curious about her. after a while she realized that she was unconciously sabatoging her conversations with him because she'd stop asking questions, and my dad was too oblivious to the fact that she was irritated with him and still didn't ask questions. so eventually she sat him down and tried to explain... and i think my dad improved a bit but i know my mom eventually just learned how to live with it.

it's funny how much my mom and i have gone through. and how similar our personalities can be.

it sort of pisses me off as to how stupid guys can be. and then i wonder if i am just overreacting. i guess it's the same thing as reciprocating with affection. if i don't hear it, i shut up. the more i shut up and the more i refuse to let myself say it, the more angry i am. and the less a guy notices, the more irritated i get with him. it's an ugly thing.

compy games

2005-01-09T20:23:00.000-05:00

i really detest computer games or video games of the sort. i used to be all gungho about them but in the recent year i have liked them less and less because of what they do to social interaction.

9 chickweed lane

2005-01-09T18:18:00.000-05:00

two new comics:

9 chickweed lane (http://www.comics.com/comics/chickweed) and Pibgorn (http://www.comics.com/comics/pibgorn).

just plowed through both of the archives yesterday and today, thanks to my 6 month membership with comics.com. these characters grow on you. recently something just happened between amos and edda and it was explained so beautifully. it makes my heart ache.

steadfastness

2005-01-09T16:08:00.000-05:00

today i went to sunday classes and sat in the adult section. the instructor, tony joy, put together a lovely two part program about steadfastness. he brought up reasons as to why people would leave the baha'i faith, and said our attrition rate was at 50%... as quickly as we were gaining new believers, we were also losing them. so what was the cause? what prompted such things?

at the very beginning of it all, i almost walked out. i was not ready for a session like this. i was not ready to face the reasons why for the last three years i have been struggling with my religion and feeling like i would want to leave. and in the last month, i have been furious, unspeakably upset with God. but i stayed and i listened. i listened to him talk about his own struggles, periods of time when he was inactive within the faith. he suffered from depression, a depression that ran through his family and caused his beloved sister to take her own life because she just felt that God did not love her anymore.

i was very moved by this session and felt my eyes watering at several periods of time. as much as i cannot deny it, perhaps i have been slightly depressed in the recent months. these internal battles, these struggles, i think they are all clawing to get out of me. in times of immense emotion and passion, i find myself spontaneously bursting into tears. i cry for a few minutes and then it all goes away. yesterday i tried to tell my dad something that he did that meant a lot to me and i started tearing up. i tried to talk, but the words were lost with the battle of speaking my feelings and thoughts. eventually, i got it all out, like a creek rising above its boundaries and bubbling over rocks. as soon as i said my piece, i stopped crying. i did not understand it.

during movies i live vicariously through the characters. when something gut wrenching occurs, i break down and shed tears. i try to stay detached, but i cannot. this blessing of passion has made my life difficult. i am attached to things i cannot control. i literally feel my heart breaking when things don't work out.

i have a lot of thinking to do. i have a lot of talking to do, and i think the first thing i am going to do tonight is to sincerely talk to God tonight and see what will happen. i need some guidance and maybe this was it, His sign of letting me know that everything is going to be okeydokey, i can stop fighting now, i can stop struggling with all the things i cannot hold. and if i need to cry, i think i should cry. i need to flush out all of the pain in my system and then i can focus on holding it all in.

i remember there was a time when i felt strong. in the past year, i have felt so weak. it is not a physical weakness, but a spiritual weakeness.

but everything will be okey. it will be long and it will be hard, but after all of this, i think everything will turn out alright.

and to put a disclaimer out there, it's not like i'm clinically depressed or all-the-time sad. for the most part, i am perfectly okay, i feel normal, feel like me. but then there are those spells where everything sucks.

i wonder if this has anything to do with the fact that it's winter.

comics

2005-01-08T21:46:00.000-05:00

i am a comic lover. i read syndicated and web comics. i would dearly love to be able to draw and cartoon with the best of them, however, i don't have that kind of talent.

and yes, i am nuts. i went ahead and paid for a 6 month comics.com subscription. thing is too damn expensive, but we'll see what happens 6 months from now... whether i will continue with this or not.